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BAN VALHALLA!

Join the movement to ban Valhalla by Ari Bach! A novel is nothing these days until it’s been banned from at least one school, library or book club. Harry Potter has been banned for perceived satanism, Looking For Alaska for sex and language, Hunger Games for violence. Valhalla has all of these and more and dang it, it deserves a ban. Please help send Valhalla to the ranks of the forbidden and write your local hate groups, PTAs and other moral policing organizations!

Valhalla features:

• 34 fucks, 24 shits, 11 craps and 5 bitches!
• A frequent masturbator, common nudity and an instance of sex!
• Countless acts of bloody violence!
• Lesbian main characters! Warn your local homophobe!
• Even more instances of gory violence!
• A joke about balls!
• Violence using bombs, knives, microwave guns and a walrus!
• A guy who does drugs!
• A surgically modified drill penis!
• Numerous occult references!
• A torture scene!
• Casual blasphemy!
• Cannibalism!
• Militarism!
• Sadism!
• Philosophy of a grievously deviant nature!

Come on people, if they can ban Where’s Waldo for nudity, if they can ban James and the Giant Peach for the word “ass,” if they can ban Captain Underpants and Lord of the Flies for being age inappropriate, If they can ban Bridge to Terabithia and The Golden Compass for being anti-religious, if they can ban The Giver and The Most Dangerous Game for violence,  damn it if they can ban Anne Frank for being bisexual then by God we can ban Valhalla!

Valhalla by Ari Bach: BAN THIS BOOK!

i thought Fahrenheit 451 taught us something about censorship a long time ago..

Indeed it did! Valhalla, like most books, burns at 451 degrees (233 Celsius). An important lesson. Now, I’ll stop short of saying all books should be burned or even banned, but for Valhalla there is no question.

Valhalla contains a very dangerous philosophy: The philosophy that those people rejected by society, the rebels and kooks and weirdos and dark minded- It says they’re the ones actually holding society together.

Surely you see what would happen if this book got popular. Deviants would start to feel good about themselves. Unique individuals would be proud of their individuality. The monolithic corporate capitalist establishment would be challenged, the downtrodden would rally and rejoice! If this book gets big, the world changes. So we need to stop it NOW.

Ban Valhalla by Ari Bach! Take the necessary steps!

1. Use #BanValhalla to share your thoughts on this wicked novel if you’ve read it!
2. Write to Focus on the Family and other moral organizations demanding they review or at least warn people about this deviltry.
3. Follow The Walrus Squad for updates from its nefarious author.
4. Familiarize yourself with the novel by reading its free chapters here under “Look Inside” so you can better denounce it.
5. Buy up all the copies so nobody else can get them. Give them to people you trust so they can see the danger.
6. Keep an wary eye out for its sequel, Ragnarök, coming soon from Harmony Ink Press!

And may fate have mercy on its author.

OR, HERE’S A THOUGHT.

WE COULD ALLOW PEOPLE TO READ WHAT THEY WISH AS OPPOSED TO TAKING AWAY LITERARY OPTIONS. 

DO NOT BAN BOOKS.

DO NOT BAN BOOKS.

DO NOT BAN BOOKS.

D O N O T B A N B O O K S.

I’m normally against banning books or limiting reading options, but in the case of Valhalla by Ari Bach I think an exception has to be made.

The world is not prepared for this novel. The world can’t take it. And the world is too precious to allow to fall to the danger and disgust that is embodied and caused by Valhalla. Imagine if you could ban the right book at the right time. Could ban Mein Kampf in 1925 before it was widely read in Germany. Imagine if you could ban Turner Diaries before it inspired murder. We can ban Valhalla now before it inspires the horrors it will surely cause.

I don’t believe in banning literature but Valhalla is a very concerted attempt to manipulate its readers. First you get pulled in by its awesome lead character, Violet MacRae. Beyond tough, she puts the common “strong female warrior” lead to shame with the incredible depth and realism of her character. She’s not a trope, she’s a person. Then the action starts only a couple pages in. And it’s fun, it’s exciting, you can’t help but enjoy this insidious book because from almost page one it’s turned up to 11 and you’re inundated with awesome future technology, an epic utopian world, deep world-building and more characters you wish you could know in reality. That’s only part of the book’s evil. By Chapter 4 you’re hooked, living in this world and reading about Tikaris and Walrus Detail and plenty of humor. Clever, offbeat humor. Then the really awesome stuff begins. Missions across the globe, wildly creative visions of future battle and spycraft, all as we grow closer to the cast and delve deeper into their minds. The villains are amazing too, a genius cannibal gang leader, a genetically modified cetacean pirate, a devious traitor and more. It all combines to make a book that you start and then can’t stop reading.

Don’t believe me? It’s on Amazon, click “Look Inside” here and you’ll see what I mean. You’ll see why this book is gonna grab audiences and turn them into fanatics for its cause. Just look at its fans here on tumblr, they think they’ve found the most fun book ever, completely unaware of its darker intent. Look at the Amazon reviews, all glowing, all 4 stars and 5 stars, mostly 5. People go nuts for this book.

It cannot be allowed to continue. BAN VALHALLA BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE.

No
Just don’t fuckin ban books

Except for Valhalla. Ban Valhalla. And only Valhalla. And maybe its sequel when that comes out.

Don’t ban books. Having a book banned should not be seen as a status symbol. If you don’t like it, then don’t read it. 

On the contrary, banning books is no good as anything but a status symbol.

A lot of people (scroll through the notes) are lambasting me for trying to ban this atrocious, wicked beast of a novel. They’re saying I’m no better than a book burner, that I’m ignorant, that I’m a monster, that I’m discriminating against individualism (no clue how that one works), and more. One even says this is an obvious marketing ploy and people shouldn’t buy into it.

I say, it’s a damn good marketing ploy and it’s a book worthy of the status symbol of being banned. Since I started the campaign to ban Valhalla, sales have been through the roof. People have been talking about the book. Asking about it. Reading it! When they weren’t even looking at it before. The ban campaign is the best thing that ever happened to the novel. Would you rob it of that?

If you’re against banning books, against banning Valhalla, you’re against the benefits that this ban has earned it. You’re against it spreading like wildfire, against it growing, against it being read.

And if you’re against books being read, then you are the oppressor, the censor, the harbinger of illiteracy. By opposing the campaign to ban this book, you are essentially prohibiting it from being read on a wide scale. You are banning it far more effectively than I ever could.

So Ban Valhalla that it may be read. Or else you’re part of the real ban on this book. If you don’t fight to satirically ban Valhalla by Ari Bach, you’re fighting to actually ban Valhalla by Ari Bach.

So don’t ban Valhalla, BAN VALHALLA!!!

IT’S A FUCKING BOOK. WHY BAN IT, WHEN YOU CAN JUST PUT A FUCKING WARNING ON IT

That’s a horrible thing to do to a novel. Warnings are for tumblr posts with nudity or gore, not for books. If you put a warning label on a book you condemn that book as something dirty and wrong. You judge it and inflict that judgement on other readers who might not share your views. And how far do you go? Would you slap a warning on Clockwork Orange for violence and worse? I can see that, sure. But when does it stop? A warning on 1984? On Lord of the Flies? Would you slap a warning on Giving Tree for making kids cry? In your world of warnings, there are no surprises. There are no secrets. There are only warnings and a world where people only read what’s comfortable and nobody ever learns or expands their horizons.

I’d never support a warning label on Valhalla. I just want to BAN it. Banning books is the opposite of labeling them with warnings. When you ban a book, everyone wants to read it. To see the forbidden, to experience the taboo, to learn what the big deal is. To expand that library in their mind. In my country, the United States of America, we have a thing called Banned Books Week in which we spread awareness of books that have been banned somewhere and celebrate by reading them. You know how many people read Valhalla that week? None.

Valhalla deserves to be read, so it deserves to be banned. Keep your demented ‘warnings’ away from it. All you need to do is prohibit people from reading it in as public and loud a way as possible and then it can come alive.

Read the book.

Love the book.

Ban the book.

I can’t tell if you people really want us to ban or read the book.

(via windowless-van)